The sex education you probably received was completely inadequate, focusing only on the mechanics of intercourse and how to avoid STD's and unintended pregnancies. Same with how to budget your finances, sensible investing, necessary life skills....you name it, they were not taught. We were taught 'politically correct' stuff, but not stuff we can use in life.
How to have 'great sex' advice? I never heard a word.
The same goes for navigating relationships. I was never really taught anything meaningful about how to make a relationship work, or what makes one successful in the first place.
We seem to be expected to pick up our sex and relationship skills entirely on our own through trial and error. Unfortunately, the end result is that some of us make a lot of mistakes—and, sometimes, we make the same ones repeatedly.
So how can we make things a little easier? And what are the secrets to a healthy and better sex life and relationship? That’s what I’m going to explore in this article. I’ll give you the sex and relationship education that’s not taught at school and show you what science can teach us about how to give your intimate life a boost.
5 Tips for Better Sex
1.) Know your body.
There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all guide to good sex because everybody is a little different in terms of their physical capabilities, what feels pleasurable, and what they want. This is why the first rule of good sex is to really know yourself.
Explore your body through masturbation and stimulation. Experiment with different sexual activities and techniques. Tap into your sexual fantasies. Figure out what it is that you really enjoy—and recognise that you might not know what you like until you try it.
2.) Don’t make your partner read your mind.
Most of us have sexual desires that we’ve never told anyone else about, let alone acted on, that we’re missing out on. Research finds that people who share and act on their fantasies tend to be the most sexually satisfied—and they have the most orgasms, too.
For this reason, it’s important to get comfortable with talking about sex. Don’t turn sex into a guessing game, and hope that your partner will magically be able to read your mind. Instead, be direct and tell each other what you want. If you need tips on how to talk about your desires and sexual activity, check out this video.
3.) Keep trying new things in bed.
When intimacy is the same every time, we tend to grow bored with it. This is a part of the reason why sexual frequency and satisfaction tend to decline in long-term relationships. Human beings have a craving for sexual novelty, and it’s important to find ways to feed into that.
Couples who keep mixing it up and trying new things in the bedroom are the most likely to report keeping passion alive, so don’t be afraid to explore new activities, positions, foreplay, roles, and toys all together.
4.) Be “good, giving, and game.”
Pay attention to your partner’s pleasure and be ready and willing to meet their needs. Rather than doing things you really don’t want to do, it simply means striving to understand what your partner wants and being open to trying different things to pleasure them. Research shows that couples who do this tend to sustain their sexual desire over time, whereas couples who don’t tend to see a drop in desire and libido.
5.) Learn to be in the moment during sex.
Many of us struggle to be “in the moment” when we’re in the bedroom, and this can detract significantly from our sexual experiences. For example, when our minds start to wander or we get easily distracted, it becomes difficult to maintain arousal let alone have an orgasm.
A sex tip for dealing with this issue is to practice mindfulness, which involves learning to center ourselves and focus on the physical sensations of sex instead of getting lost in our heads. You can practice this by sitting still and closing your eyes for a few minutes each day as you pay attention to the different sensations you feel throughout your body. Acknowledge thoughts as they pop into your head, but let them go and come back to the sensations. As you get more practice with this, you can start to bring the same technique into bed to promote a healthy sex life.
5 Tips for Better Relationships
1.) Be growth-oriented.
A lot of people think that there’s just one “perfect” partner out there for them and that a successful relationship is simply a matter of finding the one person you’re destined to be with. However, this mindset can paradoxically make it harder to find love. Why? Because it reduces one’s willingness to work on relationship problems. Instead of figuring out a solution, people with these beliefs of destiny often head straight for the exit. They leave before ever really giving the relationship a chance.
It’s time for a different approach, one that involves a willingness to work on problems as they arise—and to see them as opportunities for growth. Think of it this way: a successful relationship is built slowly over time as you grow together and overcome challenges. Research shows that couples who have this kind of growth mindset tend to experience more relationship success.
2.) Try new things outside of the bedroom, too.
Just as trying new sexual activities is important, so is trying new non-sexual activities. Our need for novelty isn’t just limited to sex—we need variety in the rest of our lives, too.
Research shows that partners who regularly do new things together tend to be happier. And that happiness can spill over into the bedroom: excitement from one activity can carry over to other activities, a phenomenon known as excitation transfer.
3.) Define your rules and boundaries.
Far too many of us never formally establish the “rules” of our relationships. We simply assume that our partners have the same understanding as we do when it comes to the behaviors that are and aren’t allowed—and that’s a recipe for conflict.
Define your boundaries. For example, what does “cheating” mean in your relationship? If you take the time to establish the rules, you can reduce the risk of problems arising from discrepant understandings.
4.) Don’t neglect yourself.
In relationships, we often talk about “two becoming one.” While that’s certainly a romantic-sounding idea, what often happens is that people lose themselves in their relationships. For example, you might give up on your hobbies, interests, goals, or dreams. You might start to neglect previous friendships. You might find yourself with little alone time or space.
Losing your independence and sense of self is actually a fairly common reason why people cheat. It’s not really about sex or a sexual problem—it’s about searching for that lost sense of self. To reduce the risk of this happening, it’s important for each partner in the relationship to have some ability to be themselves—to have other friends, to pursue interests that their partner doesn’t share, and to have personal space.
5.) If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to seek help.
Whether you’re having problems in your sex life or your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek professional help from a licensed therapist or counsellor. All too often, people avoid talking about their problems which allows them to fester, only making them worse in the long run.
Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s not a sign that things are too far gone to be recovered, either. Sometimes we need an outside perspective to help us get through a rough patch.
Remember: few of us are taught what we really need to know about navigating our sex lives and relationships, which means that most of us are learning as we go along. When you think about it this way, there’s no shame or defeat in seeking out someone who can help guide you along the way.
References:
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273-284.
- Brotto, L. A. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. Greystone Books Ltd.
- Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.
- Knee, C. R. (1998). Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation, coping, and longevity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(2), 360-370.
- Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Boston, MA: Da Capo.
- Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (2013). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(3), 267-273.
- Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity–A book for anyone who has ever loved. Hachette UK.