Many women have had a partner assume sex was finished without considering whether they had orgasmed. In fact, a recent YouGov poll found that men are more than twice as likely as women to say they orgasm every time they have sex. If you come across the orgasm gap in your own sex life, you don't have to put up with it. It's always OK to advocate for your orgasm.
If you have trouble asking for what you want in bed, you may benefit from working on your assertiveness, Astroglide's resident sexologist Jess O'Reilly, tells Bustle. "Practice prioritizing your own pleasure so that you’re focused on yourself (at least) as much as you’re focused on your partner."
That need may even extend outside the bedroom. "Work on cultivating a relationship (in and out of the bedroom) in which you feel comfortable speaking up for what you want," says Dr. Jess. "This might begin with daily interactions like expressing desires with regard to what you want to eat and what you do on the weekends. You’ll also benefit from speaking up when things aren’t working for you (e.g. you don’t always want to watch a specific show). As you become more comfortable asking for what you want outside of the bedroom, the assertion skills will come more easily in bed."
Still tongue-tied? Here are some lines to use when your partner thinks sex is over because they've orgasmed but you haven't.
1. "I Want More Of You"
This is a positive way of asking for more attention, so it's not likely to make your partner defensive. "This isn’t a deficit; it’s an opportunity. You’re not complaining; you’re making a request," says Dr. Jess.
2. "Could We ___?"
If you know exactly what you want, you can get more specific and ask for a particular sexual act that will help you orgasm. For example, you could say, "Can you rub me right here?" or "Can you lick me like you did earlier?" says Dr. Jess.
3. "Touch Me Right Here"
To get even more specific, you can take your partner's hand, guide it to the body part you want stimulated, and move it the way you like. "You’ve probably heard of the dutch rudder: you hold your own penis as though you’re going to stroke it and someone else manipulates your hand and arm to create the stroking movements," says Dr. Jess. "Regardless of gender, do this."
4. "I'm Not Done Yet"
It's also OK to be straightforward. "Most people appreciate clear communication, and it feels good to know that your partner is honest with you," says Dr. Jess. "If you know your partner is sensitive, you can offer reassurance: 'It feels so good with you, but I’m not done yet.'"
5. "You Know How To Do It"
If your partner is insecure about their sexual skills, they may need some encouragement. Dr. Jess suggests, "You know how to do it. Just like the last time. I can’t wait for a little more..."
6. "My Turn Now!"
If you've just pleased your partner and you want them to please you too, you can be playful about it. "Be straightforward and confident," sex therapist Vanessa Marin, creator of the online orgasm course Finishing School, tells Bustle.
7. "I Could Keep Going"
This one doesn't make it all about orgasm, if you'd like to leave the door open for continued pleasure no matter how it ends. "Remember that you deserve to be satisfied too," says Marin.
8. " I'm Glad You Just Had An Orgasm But I Haven't And I Want One. I'd Like You To..."
If your partner is about to go to sleep, you might need to try something a bit firmer. "Something else really essential to orgasm is knowing what type of stimulation you need — which, for the vast majority of women, is external, clitoral stimulation alone or coupled with penetration," psychologist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of Becoming Cliterate, tells Bustle. "For the vast majority of women, intercourse alone is not sufficient stimulation for an orgasm."
A few instructions you could give, depending what you like, include "lay on top of me while I stimulate myself on my stomach,” "lay on top of me while I rub on pillows,” "use your hands on me,” and "use my vibrator on me," says Mintz.
"A lot of women think it’s pushy to ask for the stimulation they need to orgasm," Mintz adds. "So the first step is embracing the attitude that you are equally entitled to orgasm as your partner." And if your partner's not on board with doing whatever it takes for you to get there, you've just got some top-notch intel on their level of commitment to equality. Do with it what you will.