Because yes, you're definitely going to want to make sure you're 100% in good hands.
There are elements of surrender in almost all sexual encounters. Even just being naked and losing yourself in an orgasm in front of someone is a big freaking deal. Submissive sex—and these submissive sex positions—play with that surrender and take it even further. Being submissive can be a highly-charged experience that can take you to new places, and according to sexologist and inclusivity consultant Lilithfoxx, “it can be one of the most empowering and sexy experiences—when informed consent is present all around.”
So what, exactly, is submissive sex? Well, it’s all in the name: It’s when one person submits to their Dominant sexual partner, and it can be “both physical (with specific positions and poses) and cerebral (in mental submission and surrender), or a combination of both!” says Lilithfoxx. Submission can also be a great path for people who find it hard to get out their head during sex. “As a submissive, I can tell you firsthand it is extremely hot to be kept in suspense about what will happen next, or to be put in a position where all you can do is respond and experience pleasure,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, PhD, a psychologist and sex and intimacy coach. Basically, you let your Dominant partner (aka, your “Dom”) take the reins while you get to follow their lead and enjoy the experience, whatever you agreed it would be.
But submission can often be misunderstood. It’s not just about letting someone do whatever they want to you, even though it can kind of look like that. “Being Dominant is different than being an asshole, and being submissive is different than being a doormat,” says sex educator Beth Darling, founder of SexyEdSchool.com, and a romantic and sexual submissive. There needs to be equal give and take, and “only equals can negotiate the giving and receiving of consent and boundaries
so everyone approaches this on equal planes,” says Lilithfoxx. It's critical to negotiate a Dom/sub relationship that works for everyone.
Sound intriguing? Before you commence the spanking, you have some prep to do. “It’s not something to just casually dive into. The experience can carry the risk of physical and psychological harm,” says Lillithfoxx. “Being fully informed of these risks and how to mitigate them, as well as developing healthy coping strategies, is crucial.”
Here are some things to consider.
Talk to Your Partner First.
Before trying anything new in the boudoir, have a clear and honest conversation with your partner about it. “Try taking turns telling each other stories about things you’ve always wanted to try and gauge their interest. Use questions like: ‘Would you be turned on if you did ______ to me?’ or, ‘Have you ever fantasized about anything like this before?’ You might be surprised to find they’re just as excited to try out these new things with you as you are,” says Lorrae Bradbury, founder of SluttyGirlProblems.com. (And if you don’t know what you’re into, try an online BDSM test.)
Consent is Everything.
Repeat after me: Get consent before doing anything you’re not 100 percent sure your partner wants to do. “Anything can happen in the moment, and it’s okay if something you were excited to try turns out to be less enjoyable when you actually do it. You and your partner can change your minds at any time. That’s why it’s so important to play with someone you trust,” says sex educator Emma Hewitt, host and producer of sex-positive podcast The Electric Rodeo, and sex toy expert at Adult Toy Mega Store.
Don't Be Afraid to Accessorise.
BDSM toys and gear can help you both get in the right headspace, especially if you’ve never done it before. Let your partner pick a few shiny new accessories and, if you feel comfortable, give them full reign to use them on you however they want. Those wrists aren’t going to bind themselves.
Prioritise Aftercare.
A hot BDSM sex session doesn’t just end once you both orgasm. “End the play with aftercare, a vital aspect of BDSM where the submissive and the Dominant wind down together after the experience. There are aspects to D0minant/submissive interaction that can be intense, giving you and your partner tons of endorphins and an adrenaline rush during play. But the come down can be hard. Aftercare in the form of cleaning up, cuddling, or reflecting on the scene can alleviate these effects,” says Aliyah Moore, PhD, a certified sex therapist for SexualAlpha.
And Remember: Safety First!
“A submissive should always communicate discomfort or problems; a Dominant should always address those promptly,” says Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibes. Make sure your binding isn’t too tight. (“Slip a finger under the cuff or collar, the way you would to make sure a pet's collar is not too tight,” says Queen.) Have scissors on hand in case you need to get out of bonding in a pinch. Talk everything out before, during, and after. Have a safe word. Don’t try BDSM with strangers. You know… follow your instincts. If something feels wrong, don't ignore it.
Below, 11 expert-approved submissive sex positions to inspire your foray into the world of kink.
The Flat X
@LUCYMACARONI “Have your lover tie your ankles and wrists to the bed (or use a bedsheet restraint system) so that your body forms an X-shape,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist at Astroglide. “They can work you over, climb on top, squat over your face, go down between your legs, or play in any other way that you both enjoy.”
@LUCYMACARONI The Face-sitter
“Lie on your back on the bed. Have your partner sit on your face and take control of movements, speed, rhythm, and pressure,” says O’Reilly. This can work as the person on top Doming by taking their pleasure as they please, or with the Dom on the bottom, moving the sub as they’d like.
Oral Delivery Service
@LUCYMACARONI Adding submission to a more vanilla scenario can change the vibe completely. “Oral delivery service” can technically be done anywhere and at any time, not just exclusively during sex (which makes it that much more exciting).
“This position explores power and authority play in a few ways: the sub is expected to give their Dom pleasure anywhere when instructed to, while they watch TV, read, or otherwise shift their focus. This can be explored from an objectification/degradation perspective, in the sub existing solely for the pleasure of their Dominant, or from the normalcy and expectation of sexual service from the sub. It also creates the physical space and height between partners that can play up the power and authority play,” says Lilithfoxx.
@LUCYMACARONI The Bow
“Many submissives enjoy kneeling,” says Rebecca Blanton, aka Auntie Vice, a kink and sex educator who focuses on BDSM from the submissive perspective. Sound like you? Then kneel down before your Dominant with your knees wide apart, hands palm-up on the thighs, and eyes downcast.
“This position not only enforces the idea of submission, but the open-kneed version also exposes the genitals (regardless of clothing) and adds to a feeling of vulnerability and openness,” she says. Your job is to await further instructions. “For people who cannot kneel for health reasons, sitting on a low chair or the bed's edge with the knees wide apart and eyes downcast until the partner asks to be looked at is a great variation.”
@LUCYMACARONI The Submissive Wheelbarrow
“The Dominant stands while the submissive gets on all fours and lifts their legs so their Dom can grab hold of them,” says Moore. “This feels super submissive, as the bottom partner focuses on staying balanced and gives their top partner complete control over their pleasure. Up the power-play factor by maintaining the submissive mindset—play the role of property, masochist, or pet. Your aim as a sub is to serve your Dom, so you must give up any preferences that you might have during play.” Suggestion: Crotchless lingerie.
@LUCYMACARONI The Far-and-Wide
“Spreader bars are a perfect accessory to make your power play super erotic. There are all sorts of positions to explore with a spreader bar, but my personal favorite is the standing bar position. The person wearing the bar stands up with their legs spread wide open. What you do then is up to you,” says Hewitt. “I recommend leaning against a countertop or wall to reduce the risk of balance loss. And always have a safe word. Spreader bars can become uncomfortable after a while, so ensure that you can safely be removed from the bar if this happens.”
The Sweet Surrender
@LUCYMACARONI Lie back on the bed with your hands above your head, restrained with handcuffs or makeshift binding with a t-shirt. With their mouth, hands, toy, or combo, your partner brings you just...to...the...edge of orgasm, then cruelly stops. They can repeat the cycle, leaving you on the edge 'til you're begging them to please, for the love of all that is holy, let you have an orgasm. PS: This is really your partner servicing you (in a way, all submission is), but let them think otherwise.
The Safe Secret
@LUCYMACARONI Curl up like you would in a fetal position on your knees. You're vulnerable, yet protected, and they're free to toy with you in ways both gentle and harsh–a sudden swat on the butt, a sweet lick up your inner thigh. Plus, not being able to see what they're up to back there forces you to anticipate what they have in store for you.
The Open Book
@LUCYMACARONI For a simple starter submission pose, move your legs up by your head and spread them wide during missionary. Your partner holds your legs open so you get the feeling of being fully exposed and they can pin you down a lil to see how that sits with you. It's extra hot if they slide slowly into you, watching closely as you take them in.
The Armlock
@LUCYMACARONI Get all pro-wrestler-y by leaning over onto the bed while your partner pins you down with their body weight, holding down your arms so you're exactly where they want you. For a super Dom-y twist, they can hold onto your hair and instruct that you're absolutely not allowed to move. Or else.
The Double Peep Show
@LUCYMACARONI Kneel before each other while your Dom puts you through a litany of tasks. “Suck me.” “Touch yourself.” You do said tasks, and you do them well. They give you a pat on the head, or maybe something more as a reward.