It used to be the norm that people would wait until they were married in order to have sex. However, this sometimes led to an unfortunate wedding-night discovery: the realisation that you and your spouse are not sexually compatible. At all.
Today, people typically test their bedroom compatibility long before making a major commitment. While this may avert those unpleasant wedding-night surprises, we need to recognise that just because we’re sexually compatible with someone right now, this doesn’t mean that we’re always going to remain compatible in bed. Sexual compatibility isn’t something we establish once and then forget about. Rather, compatibility is something that we need to work actively to maintain.
In this post, we’re going to explore some of the reasons why sexual compatibility often decreases over time in relationships, as well as tips for prevention so that you and your partner can stay in synch for the long haul.
Why Sexual Compatibility Sometimes Disappears
When you start a relationship with someone and experience mind-blowing sex, you might be tempted to think your future will be full of lots more mind-blowing sex. In reality, however, the sex will probably stop being amazing at some point. Sexual satisfaction almost inevitably declines, and in some cases, sex might disappear entirely from the relationship (in fact, as many as 1 in 7 marriages today are sexless). So why is that? How can you go from being passionate lovers to living in a “dead bedroom?” There are multiple reasons.
First, people experience many physical and psychological changes as they age that can impact their sexual desire, sexual function, and the experience of pleasure. This includes the development of chronic illnesses, acquiring a disability or sexual difficulty, entering menopause, as well as the experience of major life stressors. All of these factors can have a big impact on your sex life, potentially leading you and your partner to start falling out of synch in the bedroom. For example, a previously high sex drive might evaporate. What used to feel good might no longer be pleasurable. What you’re physically capable of might suddenly be very different. But it’s not just about how our bodies and life circumstances change. Who we are as sexual beings can fundamentally shift with age as well. One of the things I’ve discovered in my own research is that people’s sexual fantasies and desires can change drastically across their lifespan, and they can change in different ways for different people.
What this means is that the things that turn you on and that you want from sex now might be very different in 5, 10, or 20 years. The same goes for your partner. For instance, it’s possible that both of you have pretty “vanilla” sexual tastes right now, but that one of you will later become kind of kinky. Alternatively, maybe you’re both sexually wild and adventurous right now, but one of you will start to become more sexually reserved and prefer something a little less intense. For these reasons, it’s not surprising that partners who were previously compatible in bed often begin to feel a sexual disconnect—they no longer want or enjoy the same things anymore.
How To Maintain Sexual Compatibility
The good news is that there’s a lot you can do to prevent a loss in compatibility, and also to get it back when you fall out of synch. However, it starts with a serious mental shift: stop focusing on establishing compatibility and, instead, think of it as something that needs to be maintained and cultivated. When it comes to maintaining and restoring sexual compatibility, the keys are really solid sexual communication, curiosity and openness to sexual exploration, and having an adaptable and flexible sexual mindset. Let’s explore each of these in turn.
First, sexual communication is key. We all know this, of course, but it’s important to go about communication in the right way. One of the most helpful things you can do is to have a regular sexual check-in where you discuss how things are going in your sex life. Don’t just have check-ins when there are problems—have them when things are going well, too. You can do this with any frequency that you’d like. For example, you might do it every other month, every six months, or once per year. Just pick a regular time when you and your partner can both be present, relaxed, and focused on each other.
Start by talking about the positives. What do you like, enjoy, or appreciate about sex with your partner? Then take turns asking questions. Is there something you want more of (or less of) during sex? Is there something new you want to try? Do you have any fantasies you want to share or explore? Are you experiencing something in your life that’s making sex difficult right now? These conversations are a great opportunity to get on the same page about where each of you are at this moment, to identify areas where compatibility may have changed a bit (before it becomes a major issue), and to find ways to reconnect.
Second, having a healthy curiosity about sex is crucial. Curiosity is something that can really help when it comes to keeping passion alive. In long-term relationships, sex has a tendency to become routine and predictable, which tends to reduce sexual satisfaction and desire. This is part of the reason couples often feel like they aren’t compatible anymore—the sex has just gotten kind of boring. Research shows that the couples who mix it up the most and regularly try new things are the most likely to report sustained passion and are the happiest with their sex lives. This doesn’t mean that you have to try super novel things that are way out of your comfort zone. Something as simple as getting a new sex toy, trying a new kind of lubricant (like Astroglide’s strawberry lube!), giving each other massages, trying some light role-play, or just sharing a fantasy can all be helpful ways of introducing a bit of novelty and reigniting passion.
Third, it’s important to have an adaptive and flexible mindset when it comes to sex. This only becomes all the more important with age. We’ll all get to a point where the old ways just don’t work anymore because our bodies and our desires have changed. When this happens, we need to be flexible in how we meet our sexual needs. Research finds that couples who shift from a definition of “sex as penetration” to “sex as intimacy” as they age are the most sexually satisfied. That’s because an expansive definition of sex opens up more opportunities for intimacy. Sometimes one partner won’t be in the mood for intercourse when the other is, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t still enjoy a good time together. Think of this as expanding your sexual menu. The item you want may not be available today, but there are plenty of other delicious options to choose from.
Remember that sex can be whatever you want it to be, and when we’re flexible in how we meet our needs, it becomes much easier to stay connected.
Takeaways
Sexual compatibility is not a one-time, “set it and forget it” kind of thing. It’s something that we must proactively work to maintain and cultivate. Our bodies and our sexual personalities will change throughout our lives, and partners in a relationship sometimes change in very different ways that make them less compatible. But they can re-grow their compatibility through a combination of communication, curiosity, and adaptability.
References
Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.
Gore-Gorszewska, G. (2021). “What do you mean by sex?” A qualitative analysis of traditional versus evolved meanings of sexual activity among older women and men. The Journal of Sex Research, 58(8), 1035-1049.
Jamea, E. (2024). Anatomy of Desire. Flatiron books.
Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want. Da Capo Press.