Whether you’ve always known you were into chicks or you’re a bi-curious gal looking to dip her toe into the lady pool for the first time, we’ve got your back with some tips to help you make your first time amazing.
It seems like few things are as shrouded in mystery as lesbian sex.
In our culture, so much of the information and imagery that we encounter regarding sex is focused around male desire, which can make it hard for most people to know exactly what goes down when there’s not a man involved. Even the majority of “lesbian porn” is created and produced to be consumed, not by lesbian women, but by straight men.
All of this leads to a lot of confusion and misinformation, which can make it daunting for women who are ready to take the plunge.
Curious about trying lesbian sex for the first time? You're not alone. Far from it!
A recent study conducted by Dr. Gerulf Rieger from the Department of Psychology at the University of Essex in England concluded that, unlike men, most women are either gay or bisexual -- but rarely straight. So if you find yourself wondering what it might be like to get it on with another woman, you’re certainly not alone.
Whether you’ve always known you were into chicks or you’re a bi-curious gal looking to dip her toe into the lady pool for the first time, we’ve got your back with some tips to help you make your first time amazing:
1. Get in touch with your own body.
While every woman is different, the best way to learn how to please a woman is to start with yourself.
Masturbation is a great way to learn more about the female anatomy and to try out new things without worrying about whether or not you’re doing it right. Take the time to get to know your own erogenous zones from your nipples to your clitoris to your g-spot. Experiment with different techniques and find out what gets your blood pumping. If if feels good to you, chances are that it will feel good to someone else as well.
A woman’s vulva and vagina are magnificently nuanced, with a wide variety of structures and nerve endings.
All of which can deliver an incredible amount of pleasure when stimulated appropriately. Even women who are no stranger to self-pleasuring can learn things they never knew about their lady parts through a little research and exploration. Don’t be afraid to pull the shades, put your phone on silent and take the time learn what makes you tick.
2. Don’t be afraid to be picky. Hold out for someone that you feel safe and comfortable with.
Whether this is your first time having lesbian sex or your first time having sex, period, the decision to have sex with a woman is a big step in your sexual journey.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with engaging in casual sex (provided that you practice safe sex and you feel good about it), sharing your first time with someone special will go a long way in ensuring that it’s a positive experience for you.
Good sex is almost always the result of good communication, so finding someone that you can trust and be open with is key. Having emotional intimacy with the person you choose to share your first time with will only make the physical intimacy you share that much better -- so don’t rush it with someone if it doesn’t feel right.
There are lots of lesbian women in the world, and you’ve got plenty of time to find the right one.
3. Don’t confuse lesbian sex with safe sex.
Just because you’re having lesbian sex doesn’t mean that you and your partner don’t have to take precautions to protect each other’s health.
It’s a common misconception that lesbian sex is safe sex, but the truth is that gay women are at risk for the same STIs as their straight counterparts. Misconceptions like these are just one of the many reasons we need to make sex ed queer!
STIs can be transmitted between female sexual partners through skin-to-skin contact, mucosa contact (e.g., mouth to vagina), vaginal fluids, menstrual blood, and sharing sex toys. So if you’re engaging in any of those activities, you’re going to want to make sure that you and your partner are being safe.
So what does safe lesbian sex mean, exactly?
The good news is that safe sex practices for lesbian sex are a lot like safe sex practices for straight sex. First and most importantly, you and your partner should both get screened for STIs so that you both know your status. Regardless of who you choose to get down with, regular STI screenings and pelvic exams are crucial to your reproductive health -- so don’t let that slide just because you’re having sex with women.
Second of all, once you’re ready to get down to business, you’re going to want to make sure that you and your partner are using barrier methods whenever appropriate. Use dental dams or a split open condom for oral sex, latex or nitrile gloves for digital stimulation, condoms every time you use shared sex toys.
Nothing kills the mood like taking risks with your sexual health. Make sure you and your partner enjoy your first time by taking the proper precautions.
4. Communicate your needs, desires and fears with your partner.
Just like with straight sex, lesbian sex is all about good communication -- and this goes double for your first time.
If you’re like a lot of people, most of the lesbian sex that you’ve seen has been in porn that is largely produced for the entertainment of straight men and, therefore, doesn’t bear much resemblance to what actually happens when two ladies take it to the bedroom.
As we discussed in a previous post about how to make a sex tape with your partner, it’s important that couples not rely on porn as their point of reference for what their sexual encounters should look like. The sex that you see in porn videos is being performed by actors who are being paid to make you believe that it feels as good as it looks. The truth is that just because a particular sexual position is visually appealing, doesn’t mean that it’s much fun for an actual couple.
Instead of looking to outside sources for tips on how to please your lady the first time you hit the sheets, ask her what she likes.
If she doesn’t know or is feeling shy, start slowly and ask her what feels good as you go. Don’t freak out if you try something that doesn’t seem to be working. Every woman’s body is different. Just adjust accordingly and keep going. Your partner will appreciate that you’re taking the time to get to know her body and to pleasure her in the ways that feel best to her.
And don’t forget to speak up for yourself as well. Communication is a two-way street. Just like you want your partner to enjoy herself, she wants you to feel good as well. Don’t be afraid to speak up to tell her what you like or to gently redirect if what she’s doing isn’t working for you. Pretending to enjoy something that you aren’t enjoying will only diminish the experience for both of you. Be honest and open and you’re sure to hit upon what works for you both.
5. Deal with any nervousness you're feeling, and determine whether it's a showstopper.
Regardless of your partner’s gender, your first time having sex is likely to create some anxiety.
You may be feeling concerned about pleasing your partner or be nervous about sharing your body so intimately with another person. Whatever your feelings, just know that they are perfectly normal. Everyone gets a little freaked out about their first time -- that’s just part of it.
Take time to figure out if your worries are red flags telling you to pump the breaks, or just the normal jitters that come with doing something new. A good rule of thumb is that anything that makes you worry about your own health and safety is something that you should take another look at.
One example of a pump-the-breaks situation:
If your partner is not open to using protection or if you feel that she isn’t being completely honest with you about her sexual history, those concerns are very valid and should cause you to step back and rethink the situation.
One example of normal sex nerves:
However, if you’re not concerned about your health or safety and if you feel that your boundaries are being respected, what you’re feeling is probably just some normal nerves. Talking to your partner or with someone close to you about how you’re feeling can help relieve your anxiety. You’ll probably find that they feel the same way or have been through something similar.
Just make sure that you are taking the time to listen to yourself and to get your head straight about your feelings before you have sex.
6. Once you’ve gotten all that figured out, it’s time to relax.
Although the mechanics of lesbian sex maybe a little different, the truth is that sex is sex.
It’s the most natural thing in the world, so just let it happen. If you’re too stuck in your own head wondering about how you look or if you’re doing it right, then you won’t be in the moment enjoying all the intimacy and pleasure that your partner wants to share with you.
If you’ve followed all the steps thus far, you’ve already picked a trustworthy partner, set up some good lines of communication, educated yourself on safe sex practices, and made the decision that you are ready. Now all you need to do is savor the moment.
If you’re having trouble making that happen, let your partner know that you want to start slow.
Light some candles to set the mood, play some soft music, give each other a sexy massage -- basically, do things that will help you take the edge off and get into the right head space.
Whatever you do, don’t rely on alcohol to get you loosened up. Sharing a glass or two of wine with your partner is fine, but drinking to the point of intoxication is not a great idea for your first time. First of all, this is a very special milestone in your life and you don’t want to be too foggy to remember it. Secondly, you and your partner won’t be able to communicate with and enjoy each other nearly as much if you’re not clear headed.
7. Trim your nails — it's a lesbian sex imperative!
This might seem like a minor detail, but trust us -- it’s not.
If you can watch porn featuring two ladies with long, manicured finger nails without cringing, you’ve clearly never had lesbian sex before. Everyone’s preferences are difference, but in general, when you’re getting it on with another woman, digital penetration plays a pretty important role.
The tissues of a woman’s vulva and vagina are delicate, and they need to be treated with care. If you want to ensure that the sounds coming from your partner are moans of pleasure and not of pain, skip the acrylics and reach for the nail clippers instead.
8. Grab the lube.
Lesbian sex can be a more of a marathon than a sprint, so stock up!
One of the best things about having sex with another woman is that, while a man usually needs some time to recharge after an orgasm, many women are able to have multiple orgasms without needing any downtime in between. This means that lesbian women have the opportunity for marathon sex sessions that can last for hours.
However, it’s extremely common for a woman’s body to have a little trouble keeping up with the friction of a prolonged rendezvous. To keep you and your partner feeling comfortable, make sure that you have a quality lube on hand from the get go. Not only will you get to enjoy the sensual fun of lubing each other up, but you’ll ensure that your romp between the sheets won’t be interrupted by vaginal dryness or discomfort.
We can even send you a free sample of ASTROGLIDE to get you started.
9. Set realistic expectations for your first time.
If it goes well, you'll have plenty of time to practice!
Let’s be real for second -- sex is awesome. We’re (obviously) big fans, and so is just about everyone we know. However, if you ask most people about their first sexual experience, you’re likely to get a lot more giggles and cringes than you are starry-eyed sighs.
The truth is that for most people their first sexual encounter -- gay, straight, or otherwise -- is kind of awkward. As with trying just about anything new, there’s a definite learning curve. So don’t stress if your first time isn’t picture perfect. It’s all just part of the process. You and your partner will get a hang of it in no time.