A guide for everyone, according to sex experts and real people, with pointers about positions, what to ask in advance, and more.
The threesome with two tops has always held a revered, heart-racing position among the great pantheon of sex acts. When you’re the bottom—the passive/receiving partner—you get to be as sexually insatiable as you like and relish in the extra attention. When you’re one of the tops—the active/giving partners—you get the fun of interacting with each other, the joy of watching the action as you wait your turn, and all the satisfaction of fulfilling the bottom’s desires.
Threesomes are for everyone. Thanks to toys, fingers, and the human body’s multiple orifices, people of any gender can play any role. Since there are as many ways to have a threesome as there are ways to have sex—probably more because, you know, there are more people—you’ll never run out of things to do with two other sexy partners, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.
If it’s your first time, where do you start? And if you’re a veteran, how can you make the experience even better for everyone? Whether you’re interested in double penetration, alternating fucking, or inventing something new, here are some pointers on positions, troubleshooting, and other considerations when two people are topping during a threesome.
What to talk about before having a threesome with two people topping
As long as you have the basic tenets of communication and consent down, basically anything goes if it’s fun for all three parties. According to Janet Brito, a certified sex therapist and licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Hawaii, the best time to nail that down is before you get into it. “Discuss everyone’s expectations, boundaries, and preferences before the sexual encounter, and not right in the moment,” she said. She suggests that all three people begin with a “kitchen conversation”—that is, one “outside where the action is going to take place.” Even if you’ve met in an impromptu situation, like a sex party, ideally, you’ll take a few minutes to talk before you jump in.
Without that, you risk one or more people feeling like their wishes aren’t being heard. Michael, a 31-year-old marketing professional in Philadelphia, had a threesome where one person was directing him and the other one, without asking for their input. “It made me feel a bit used, instead of appreciated,” he said.
According to Astroglide Ambassador Jessica O’Reilly, author of The New Sex Bible, a key question to ask is: “What appeals to you about this threesome?” This will give you a sense of what fantasy each person is looking to fulfill and how the group might fulfill it: Does one person want to feel more dominant? Submissive? It’s also a good way to ensure that everyone is actually enthusiastic about the threesome in the first place. “Many people think they want to do something because it has been normalized or prescribed as something they should want based on elements of their identity (e.g. sexual orientation, gender, age),” said O’Reilly. “This question encourages you to dig a little deeper and think about why you want to have a threesome.”
So get into what acts you’re interested in, as well as any hard boundaries or physical limitations, like those caused by chronic illnesses or injuries. Another question you might ask each person is, “Is there anything about your body that we should know?” said O’Reilly.
“Many people like to be emotionally prepared for what's to come.”
Marla Renee Stewart, O’Reilly’s co-author on The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay, said it’s helpful to have a safe word to indicate when someone wants to stop or pause in the moment. “The advantage of a safe word is that you can break the scene if you're feeling uncomfortable,” she said. You can also designate a gesture—such as tapping, an open hand, or a closed fist—if any of the people involved are hearing-impaired or likely to be in positions where they’re unable to speak, for instance, if they’re giving head or gagged. The pre-threesome conversation is also a good time to introduce any toys you’d like to bring in, said Stewart. “Many people like to be emotionally prepared for what's to come.” (No pun intended.)
Some advice specifically for couples bringing in a guest: Be clear upfront about any boundaries around how each partner wants to interact with the third. “One time, I was having a threesome with a friend of mine, and I told the friend to suck her boyfriend’s cock,” recalled sex educator Kenneth Play. “The boyfriend was offended that I told his girlfriend what to do. People have relationship dynamics that they want to carry through when you are invited to a threesome.” Don’t be that couple that gets mad at your third over something you never told them about.
How to have safer sex during a threesome
When you’re having a threesome, there can be three sets of different boundaries around safety. “Respect the most conservative partner's limits—that is, the one who requests the greatest level of safer sex protection—and make sure everyone knows what those are,” said Carol Queen, author of The Sex & Pleasure Book. Does that involve getting tested in advance? Using barrier methods of protection during oral sex? Something else entirely? Find out!
Speaking of barrier methods: “If you're having a threesome and using barriers”—like condoms—“it's important that you change barriers each time you go into a different hole,” said Stewart. “If you're using a condom, make sure that you change it going from anal to vaginal, or from person to person.” This can prevent spreading possible STIs from one person or orifice to another.
Use lube to avoid condom breakage. Many water-based and silicone lubes are compatible with condoms. If you’re using biological body parts, sex therapist Ashera DeRosa recommended silicone lube because it tends to last longer than water-based lube and so needs to be re-applied less often. If you’re using toys, though, go for water-based lube. It’s less likely to damage them, since silicone lubes can degrade silicone toys. (Here’s a fuller guide to choosing the right lube for your wants and needs.)
If one person is being penetrated by multiple partners at the same time, lube is even more paramount: “Re-applying lube throughout double penetration can help make sure that it stays fun for everyone,” DeRosa said.
Threesome positions to try with two tops and one bottom
“You’ll probably need to try out some different positions to find one that works well for everyone's anatomy,” said Josie, a 23-year-old sales assistant in Utah who likes threesomes with two tops because they create “an atmosphere where one person is the center of attention,” adding that dildos may have advantages over bio cocks for positioning. “You’re playing a game of 3-D Tetris, and dildos can bend a lot more ways,” they explained. “Different penises have different angles and different ways they will or will not move comfortably.” Strapping on dildos or holding them by hand provides more options for shape, size, and flexibility.
Vibrators are another option to enhance pretty much any position you’re in. Play recommended bringing in vibrators for anyone who has a clitoris. “Even if there are two penises in the room, that doesn’t mean it needs to be penis-focused,” he said. “Getting some clitoral stimulation is important, as always. Don’t be a hammer seeing everything as a nail!”
You can also use pillows or sex furniture for proper positioning. During her threesome, Manta lay on her belly, draped over a Liberator position wedge, while giving her boyfriend head as their other guest penetrated her and played with her clit. She recalled, “It was magical.”
Whatever you’re using, a threesome can include many configurations beyond the typical DP or alternating fucking and may not even involve penetration. “I just had two guys take turns going down on me,” recalled Ashley, a 28-year-old writer in Los Angeles. “It was honestly one of the best sexual experiences of my life.” Here are a few different positions that can work in a threesome with two tops.
The triangle: Person A (the bottom) rests their head on Person B’s thigh and gives them oral sex, Person B does the same to Person C, and Person C does the same to Person A. If you’re doing this right, the configuration “forms a beautiful triangle,” said Stewart—not a bad place to start if you want to make sure everyone feels taken care of. It may require some multitasking, but it provides “equal opportunity time and attention,” said Stewart.
The snake charmer: For this one, Person A (the bottom) lies down with their legs hanging off the bed. Person B stands over them in a straddle position, facing away from the bed. Person C penetrates Person A, who’s laying down, and gives Person B, who’s standing, oral sex. “They are essentially moving in a snake motion while the person receiving oral sex guides their head so that they can get in a good rhythm,” Stewart explained. (While this is fairly easy for the folks on the bed, it might get tiring for person C, she said, so you may want to switch roles every once in a while.)
Under pressure: Person A (the bottom) lies down on their stomach with their knees on the edge of the bed. Person B lies on top of them face-down and penetrates them or rubs their `us or toy between their butt cheeks. Person C stands behind them and penetrates Person B while holding the legs of Person A. “The penetrators are pretty much guaranteed an orgasm because of the way they are positioned,” said Stewart. “The person on the bottom can [give] feedback with moans.”
Three-way oral: In this position, Queen said, “Two of the participants are fucking and the other one does oral on both of them at once.” For instance, two people can be fucking doggy style and one person can lie on their back below them, giving them oral. “This works particularly well if the first oral receiver has a vulva,” said Queen. “The idea isn't to fellate the penetrating partner (though you could, if you had really good rhythm, I guess). It's basically to lick both people at the same time.” It’s possible to get a clit-haver off this way, but with everything going on, the main goal is to provide some light action that enhances the penetration, she said, adding that this position may be particularly enjoyable and affirming if the person giving oral identifies as bisexual or pansexual.
Third-person-as-sex-toy: This is when two people are fucking and the other reaches in to offer them both extra stimulation. “They can give extra hand attention to the receiver, play with both partners' nipples, whatever they can think of,” said Queen. The “sex toy” is “a great role for someone to take on if they're not positive where they fit in,” she added. “I think this is a great kind of play for someone new to threesomes.” Just make sure this person is into it and doesn’t feel like a third wheel.
Double penetration: For Ashley Manta, a 35-year-old sex and relationship coach in Long Beach, CA who once had a threesome for Valenine’s Day, DP was easiest to maneuver on her hands and knees, with one top underneath her and another penetrating her from behind. You can also have the bottom lying on their back on the edge of the bed, one top straddling them on the bed and penetrating them vaginally, and the other top penetrating them anally from a standing position, said O’Reilly.
Alternating fucking: Two people can alternate fucking the other in basically any position, though doggy style may require the least amount of time for switching, said Queen. While each penetrator is waiting their turn, they can sit back and watch, play with the other partners’ genitals, make out with either party, masturbate, or guide the penetrator with their hands, according to O’Reilly.
How to troubleshoot tricky parts of threesomes with two tops
A threesome isn’t always simple to maneuver in terms of comfort, group dynamics, and positioning, but with some experimentation and time, you’ll get there.
One common issue for bottoms is dealing with different sizes. If you’re going for DP with two penises, it’s possible that they won’t both fit, said O’Reilly. In this case, it may be useful to use a thinner dildo or strap-on instead. Warming up the bottom beforehand can also help prevent this situation, said Queen. “Playing with fisting and big toys might be good ‘get ready for DP’ kinds of play if that's a goal.” It can also help to look at “the physics of the two dicks,” she explained: “If one is shorter, it can be a good idea for them to penetrate first, and the longer one [can] come in after.”
You also want to get the timing right. “If penetration is both anal and vaginal at the same time, it’s generally easiest and most natural for penetrators to get into a counter-rhythm—one thrusting in while the other pulls out—as opposed to both trying to thrust in at once,” said O.C., a 30-year-old copyeditor in London, whose tops told her this was easier for them to do.
Certain positions can be demanding. If someone’s being penetrated orally and genitally at the same time, rhythm may be less important, but the top who’s getting head might have to go more gently than usual and check in with the bottom. “The bottom will have a bit less capacity to manage deep throating, by which I mean, a bit less room to pull back or disengage,” said O.C. “You know when you get fucked so hard you sort of lose your breath? If you combine that with deep throating, it’s just… really hard to breathe.” She found it easiest to avoid this issue while getting fucked in missionary and tilting her head off to the side to give oral.
While all three parties should make an effort to include everyone, there may still be times when one person is less involved in the action. Jon Simons, a 39-year-old in New York who has occupied the roles of both top and bottom in threesomes, has learned not to take these situations personally. “There’ll be times where two people might unintentionally pair off,” he said. “This can happen for a variety of reasons, and almost always isn’t because those two people aren’t interested in the third person anymore. Sometimes, what those two people want to do makes it difficult logistically to have the third person involved at that moment. You can still use a hand or mouth, even if it’s for something more peripheral, like pinching a nipple or smacking an ass.”
Sounds pretty straightforward after all—and extremely hot.
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