We’re here with a PSA (Porn Service Announcement) – did you know that watching porn with your partner can boost the quality of your relationship? Typically, porn usage is and has been thought of as something only done solo, but research suggests that watching porn as a couple can benefit your committed relationship. It can be a new, fun way to connect with your partner sexually while also helping to strengthen your communication with one another. We are in full support of this revelation and wanted to introduce some best practices and how-to’s for watching porn with your significant other. I even know one couple (Hello Lisa and Adam!) who after putting the kids asleep, watch porn in their bedroom and use the pause button to act our each scene, including shower scenes. They assume me it strengthens their relationship.
Is it healthy to watch pornography with your partner?
In general, people in healthy relationships are usually on the same page. This doesn’t mean they are completely identical in their choices or opinions, but they’re able to successfully come together and find a middle ground they can share. The same is true when it comes to watching pornography in a relationship. It’s important that couples are on the same page when it comes to porn use or viewing in the context of the relationship. If one person watches regularly and the other isn’t interested, then it’s unlikely that watching porn as a couple will strengthen the relationship quality. However, if both partners are interested and open to the idea, watching porn together can benefit the romantic relationship and strengthen the couple’s bond and sexual intimacy. ASTROGLIDE’s Resident Sex Therapist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, says, “duos that watch porn together report higher levels of sexual knowledge and improved sexual satisfaction.”
Why porn use can be good for your romantic relationship
Dr. Jess believes watching porn with your partner has four core benefits:
1. Help put you in the mood
Dedicating time and attention to your sex life with your partner is important for overall relationship quality. This is, of course, easier said than done, as sexual desire ebbs and flows. Life gets in the way. That’s where porn can be a good tool to facilitate the process. Nearly half of married couples report sharing this healthy habit, and according to Dr. Jess, “ these marriages report higher levels of commitment and intimacy.” But again, it is important to be on the same page with one another, however harmonious that page is.
2. Inspire you to explore your own sexual fantasies
As you watch porn together, the videos can help you acknowledge your sexual limitations and discover your deepest sexual desires. You will be able to recognize your turn-offs and the turn-ons you hadn’t known about or acknowledged before. This will allow you to embrace more of your unique sexual personality, and this awareness will benefit your sexual relationship. You will be able to communicate to your partner what you want and don’t want in your sexual relationship. They will have a better understanding of you because you will have a better understanding of yourself.
3. Open up lines of communication
Watching porn with your person can be a vulnerable experience for couples. It can feel awkward, exciting, and maybe a little nerve-wracking. This gathering of emotions can actually inspire you to have deeper sexual intimacy and more meaningful conversations. It gives you the opportunity to share insights or desires you might not have otherwise. And with both of you being in the same vulnerable position, it puts you on a level playing field. This makes it easier to share private thoughts and feelings. This can transfer to how you communicate with each other outside of sexual experiences and lead to more positive and intimate communication overall.
4. Be sexually empowering
Life can feel repetitive and a little mundane sometimes. Sharing porn can bring some new excitement to the couple and to the relationship. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging a possible rut. In fact, it’s healthy to talk about it. Porn can lend a hand in reigniting the flame when that happens while heightening your sexual satisfaction.
How to talk to your partner about porn
1. What do you want from this conversation?
Before talking with your partner about porn, identify your own thoughts on the subject. Ask yourself a couple of questions like: Why do I want to watch porn with my partner? What am I hoping to gain from it? Or do I just think it will be a fun time? Am I hoping to learn more about their fantasies? What am I anxious or worried about? Answering these questions and more like them will help you articulate things better in the eventual conversation(s) with your partner.
2. Have a general sex conversation first
Before diving into the deep end, dip your toe in by having general conversations about sex with your person. This way, you’ve established a foundation for sexual conversations. If your established style is to drop a bigger topic seemingly out of nowhere, then by all means, but some might appreciate a warmup to this conversation. It could be overwhelming for your partner if you go from never having a sexual conversation to let’s watch others bang on the big screen. “Offer genuine compliments and remember that having a conversation about sex isn’t a one-shot deal,” Dr. Jess reminds us. If you’re already talking to your partner about sex, then you are ahead of the game. Keep it up!
3. Respect their space
When you feel it’s time to voice your interest to your boo, give them the respect of bringing it up, NOT when you’re already having sex or about to. This could add unnecessary pressure and negative emotions that don’t set up a safe place for the conversation.
4. Listen to them
Let them know your intentions behind bringing this up but also lead with questions for them. Then, listen to understand. This lets them feel heard and lets you know their boundaries and where they are open for some exploration. Ask what kinds of porn they personally like, what kinds they might be interested in watching with you, or if they are interested in that with you at all. Also, ask if they have any concerns in venturing into this type of sexual experience or where their boundaries are – the hard no’s.
How to watch porn with your partner for the first time
1. Establish your mentality
The first and most important step when watching with your partner for the first time is to start with your own mentality. Try to go into it with an open mind and positive viewpoint. For the sake of the experience and your partner’s feelings (as well as yours), you want to do your part in creating a safe environment. This is not easy to share for many people, even though it can be very beneficial to a romantic relationship. This is a sexy new way to connect and experience intimacy.
2. Create a safe space
When starting this journey together for the first time, keep in mind what you’ve talked about leading up to this. Pick a space that is the most comfortable for both of you and an ideal time so you can both dedicate your full energy. You may even consider going the extra mile and bringing an additional comfort element for your significant other – whether that’s their favorite sexy snack, a drink, favorite sex toys, etc.
3. Know a good place to start for the both of you
Once you’ve worked out the environment you want to set, start out a little conservative with the videos you pick. This is not a must and completely depends on your personality and relationship style, but it is good to consider when doing this together for the first time. You might be perfectly comfortable with jumping into things, but again, your partner might need a little bit of a warm-up.
Another question to ask in regard to picking the right video to watch is how do each of you feel about the production choices behind the porn you will watch together? If one or both of you have concerns about this, we suggest looking into ethical porn. Ethical porn is legally made porn that respects all parties and processes involved, including the working conditions, a wide array of scenarios, and sexual diversity. To be clear, this term comes from the production decisions of companies in the porn industry, not porn itself. Mainstream porn does not always have ethical production standards, and it is important to research your options. If watching ethical porn is important to you, discuss what your shared values are with porn, porn consumption, and sex work with your partner, and then search under companies that align with those values.
4. Go forth and conquer
From then off, it’s off to the races! Always keep your partner in mind and be respectful of each other. Check in often so you are always on the same page. This will ensure a positive and beneficial experience for both of you. Good luck and happy porn-watching!