It is widely believed that one of the keys to lasting relationship happiness is for partners to identify and speak each other’s primary “love language.” This idea was popularised by relationship counsellor Gary Chapman, whose book on the subject has sold more than 20 million copies.
According to Chapman, there are five main love languages.
Acts of service: doing things that make your partner’s life easier.
Gifts: providing your partner with surprises or presents that demonstrate your affection.
Physical touch: showing your love via sexual or non-sexual physical contact.
Words of affirmation: communicating affection through words, praise, and compliments.
Quality time: devoting your full attention to your partner and engaging in shared activities.
While the love languages theory has become massively popular and has even been incorporated into many sex and relationship therapy programs, there hasn’t been much scientific research on the subject until recently. So how important is it, really, for partners to speak each other’s love language? And does everyone even have a primary love language?
In this post, we’re going to dive into five things you need to know about the love languages concept based on a recent study that put this theory to the test through a survey of 696 people involved in long-term relationships. This study offers several surprising insights into love languages and how we should think about them.
If You Don’t Have a Primary Love Language, You’re Not Alone
The love languages theory is premised on the idea that everyone has one primary or preferred love language. However, this doesn’t actually seem to be the case. In fact, what the research shows is that a majority of adults (54%) don’t have a primary love language. While there is clearly a sizeable minority who say that they prefer to receive love in one specific way, the truth of the matter is that most of us feel that there isn’t just one “right” or “best” way to be loved. In this study, most people rated multiple expressions of love as highly important to them.
This actually makes a lot of sense. Experiencing some variety in the way you receive love—not just having a partner say it but also show it in multiple ways—is crucial to feeling loved for many people. This is important for people in relationships to recognise and understand. The key to relationship happiness isn’t necessarily showing love in one specific way; rather, varied expressions of love might be just the ticket.
People Who Have a Primary Love Language Are Less Happy Than Those Who Don’t
A somewhat surprising finding from the research is that people who clearly had a preferred love language were actually less happy than who did not. So why is that? We cannot say for sure, but one possibility is that, for some people, having a primary love language might be reflecting something else, such as a problem or unmet need in the relationship, or perhaps even a history of trauma.
When one love language becomes the predominant way that you wish to receive love, we might do well to step back and ask why. For example, some people who describe their love language as words of affirmation may have grown up without receiving much affirmation from others, creating an unmet need and perhaps feelings of lower self-worth. Likewise, some folks who consider acts of service to be their primary love language might desire this because they are overextended and stressed, or perhaps because they feel like their partner isn’t pulling their fair share around the house.
Of course, this isn’t to say that it’s inherently bad to have a primary love language or that it’s impossible to be happy if you have one. It’s just that, sometimes, a preferred love language may be telling you that there’s something missing in your life or relationship, or it might be pointing back to an earlier trauma.
There Are No Gender Differences in the Love Languages People Prefer
It is widely believed that men and women are distinct in their preferred love languages, with men leaning more toward physical touch and women toward words of affirmation. However, in another surprise from the research, there actually weren’t any gender differences in the way people wanted to receive love.
In other words, women like touch as much as men, and men like affirmation as much as women. Love languages aren’t gendered, and the popular idea that they are is likely a reflection of common stereotypes that exist around male and female sexuality (i.e., that men just want sex and women just want to talk).
Having Your Love Language Spoken Predicts Happiness, But No Better Than Other Expressions of Love
Another core tenant of the love languages theory is that people will be happiest when their primary love language is spoken. Again, however, the research doesn’t back this up. What the data shows is that having your love language spoken does indeed predict feeling happier in the relationship, but it doesn’t predict happiness any better than receiving love in other ways. In other words, all expressions of love seem to contribute to us feeling good about our relationships.
Again, this suggests that most people don’t seem to want love expressed in just one way. We seem to be happier when we receive love in many and varied ways.
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are the Most Important Love Languages
Finally, one other key finding to emerge from the research was that two specific love languages stood out as being the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction: quality time and words of affirmation. In fact, having these love languages spoken actually predicted happiness better than people’s preferred love language. This suggests that when it comes to keeping love alive in relationships, we would all do well to focus most on (A) spending quality time with your partner where you’re focused only on one another and doing things you enjoy together and (B) clearly communicating with your partner and using your words to let them know what they mean to you.
Takeaways
The concept of the five love languages is extraordinarily popular, but scientific research suggests that some of the ideas associated with it don’t hold water. This isn’t to say that the love language theory has no value or that we should get rid of it entirely; however, we do need to change the way we think about love languages.
We need to normalise the fact that not everyone has a primary love language and recognise that having a primary love language can sometimes be a symptom of an underlying relationship problem or unmet need. We also need to discard the stereotypes about gender differences in love languages and recognise that most people like to receive love in multiple ways. And, lastly, no matter your preferred love language, prioritising quality time and communication seem to be the real keys to building happy and healthy relationships that last.
References
Chapman, G. (1995). The five languages of love. Chicago: Northfield.
Flicker, S.M. & Sancier-Barbosa, F. (2024). Testing the predictions of Chapman’s five love languages theory: Doe speaking a partner’s primary love language predict relationship quality? Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.