It's worth noting that it's not just partners of penis-havers who may prize size. According to a review of 21 studies, the average erect penis is around 5.1 inches length, but perhaps even lower, given the likelihood of embellishment in self-reporting. One study found that the majority of penis-owners overestimate their own size… by a lot. The researchers posited that some penis-owners feel a need to overstate their measurements given the popular, yet biologically incorrect correlation between penis size and masculinity, sexual prowess, and bedroom competency. This gives way to a vicious cycle in which penis sizes are widely believed to be larger than they are, falsely indicating that larger is more preferable and even more normal.
Again, for the people in the back, size does not equate to pleasure
But, while pleasure can be had with a penis of any size (or, for many folks, no penis at all), people may have their own preferences, and that's okay. For vaginal penetration, some folks prefer length, while others prefer girth (which appeals to cervical and A-spot stimulation that shallower stimulation targets). And some pleasure-seekers go for the fullness that only a bigger penetrative tool can provide.
“What matters is how a lover uses the penis they’ve got.” —sex educator Searah Deysach
Some vagina-owners prefer a smaller penis, noticing that it better-stimulates the erogenous zones located in the front half of the vaginal canal, like the G-zone. Others may enjoy that a smaller penis better allows for comfortable and pleasurable anal play. And then there’s the fact that a smaller penis is less likely to activate a gag reflex during oral play.
All of this is to say that Deysach is absolutely right: It’s not the size, but what you do with it.
5 tips for boosting pleasure when your partner has a small(er) penis
1. Let go of the idea that bigger is better
If you expect the sex to be bad, it’s likely going to be bad. So, if you find yourself wishing that your partner was longer, fuller, or wider, Deysach recommends trying to rewire your brain into appreciating what its size does provide. You might, for example, repeat "I love most everything about my partner" or "My partner’s penis has the power to give me children" or "The intimacy I feel when my partner’s penis is inside me is unparalleled."
To be clear: Shifting your mindset around your partner’s package is not the same as lying to yourself through the lens of toxic positivity. If you prefer penetration that offers a different sensation than what your partner's anatomy provides, that's okay—and it's possible to act on (more on that later). This mental shift is simply about teasing out as much pleasure from your partner as is possible for you during penetrative play.
2. Do more hand stuff
The idea that a penis is the only body part that can penetrate is incorrect. “Hand sex is a truly sensual experience that can satisfy people who really enjoy deep penetration or penetration with something bigger than their partner’s penis,” says Deysach.
You might even try five-finger fingering. More commonly known as fisting, whole-hand fingering is a sex act that involves being filled by all the fingers on someone’s hand at once. “Fists are a wonderful way to experience penetration, outside of a penis, for people seeking a sensual fullness,” says Deysach. Despite what its name suggests, however, fisting doesn’t involve pushing into the vaginal canal. Instead, it's a slow, intimate act that involves adding one finger at a time until all five—shaped into a bird beak—can be accommodated at once.
As for how to get the body to accommodate that many fingers? Follow the same rules you would for anal: Lube, more lube, patience, and time, says Deysach. Having the giver wear a latex glove can make the process more pleasurable, too. It smooths out any hangnails and calluses that could snag the delicate internal tissues.
Alternatively, you might ask your partner if they want to watch you masturbate with your hand, then invite them to touch you how you touched yourself.
3. Try anal play
“Anal sex can be a nice option for those with a smaller penis,” according to Deysach. “For many, a bigger penis is too much for butt sex, so in this case you may be at an advantage because of your size.”
No matter the size of the penis in question, though, it's best to start with a toy (or finger) that is smaller than the penis. Eventually, you can size up anal intercourse. And don't forget that lube is essential for anal sex because the anal canal is both non-lubricated and lined with delicate tissues that can tear if there is too much friction, Deysach adds.
4. Play with positions
"If you enjoy depth, any P-in-V position that allows you to get you very close to your partner will help you maximize how deep inside you they are,” explains Deysach. “Rider-on-top is an excellent choice, as is doggy style.”
You can also try missionary with your legs up and on the driver’s shoulders. Or, lifted missionary, which involves putting a sex pillow under the receiver’s hips, she says.
5. Use toys
There are also many different kinds of pleasure products that can serve as accessories to a penis. “If your partner has a smaller penis, and you are looking to make it feel bigger inside you, you might try a penis extender, which adds a bit more girth and length,” says Deysach, which are basically gloves for a penis that are usually textured on the inside, making them pleasurable for the wearer, too. “Look for 100 percent or phthalate- and latex-free options,” adds Deysach. The Holster Silicone PPA Extender ($154) is an option to consider.
“Your partner could also try strapping on a dildo above their penis,” says Deysach. For this you’ll need both a harness like the Spareparts Deuce ($135) and a dildo. “Having a penis-owner strap on a dildo is also an excellent way to try double penetration,” she adds.