Here's why - A simple "stop" might not cut it.
Sex is hotter for everyone when all parties can relax knowing they'll stay inside their comfort zones. One way to ensure in advance that everyone will say comfy is to establish a safe word: a word that, when said, signals for the sexy activities to stop.
“A safe word is a word (or a system of words) that helps you communicate your sexual boundaries,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay and sexpert for Lovers. Safe words are often used in BDSM play, but can be used in other forms of sex, as well.
When someone uses a safe word, it signals to their partner(s) that they need to stop what they’re doing and check in with that person, according to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly. Knowing that this system is in place helps people feel safer exploring kinks and fantasies that they might not otherwise.
How to Use Safe Words
Safe words are often used in scenes involving domination and submission so that the sub can let the dom know when they’re approaching their limits, says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey.
If a scene involves pain, a safe word may indicate that you’ve reached your limits for how much pain you want to experience. It could also indicate that you’re experiencing emotional discomfort, says psychotherapist Frank Thewes—for instance, if you’re feeling triggered by something that’s happening or it just feels like it’s happening too fast.
“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” O’Reilly says. “Simply utter your safe word and play should stop. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, or changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing—or opt to stop playing altogether.”
Safe words are especially helpful in scenes that involve consensual non-consent play—that is, performing resistance as part of a kink when, in reality, you are consenting. In these cases, saying “stop” could be part of the scene, so someone might want another word that actually means “stop.”
“For instance, in a role-play situation where one partner is playing a dominant teacher and the other partner is playing a submissive student, the sub can act as if they’re resisting the encounter by saying, ‘No, I can’t do that! I’m not a bad girl/boy!’ as part of the scene, while the scene continues,” O'Reilly explains. “Similarly, in a scene that involves caning or flogging, the sub can whine and squirm and yell, but the dom knows that the sub is enjoying it unless they use the safe word.”
But safe words aren’t just for BDSM. “People who have an established safe word might also use it during vanilla play to signal that they have an urgent need that must be addressed,” says Carey—for instance, if you’re uncomfortable and need to change positions, if you’re feeling uneasy, or if you need to go to the bathroom.
Examples of Safe Words to Use
One system created within the BDSM community involves using three words, Stewart explains: “green” means “keep going,” “yellow” means “slow down,” and “red” means “stop the scene.”
Another approach is to pick just one word that means “stop.” It can be any word, but the key is that it’s not a word you would use otherwise; you don’t want there to be any confusion about why you’re saying the word. It should also be something that’s easy to remember and say even if your brain is a little fuzzy, says Carey. Some examples, she says, might be “pineapple” or “elephant.”
Stewart suggests using a word that’s a turn-off for the people involved so that it’ll stop everyone in their tracks, perhaps bringing humor into it. “Mine would be something like ‘all lives matter’ or ‘Trump smegma,’” she says. “It would invoke some type of disgust or emotion. The best words are the words that you and your lover decide together and may be equally emotional for you both.”
The specifics of the word aren’t too important, though. “Any word can be used as long as it is agreed upon ahead of time,” says Thewes. “The word used doesn’t matter as much as the word being respected.”
How to Establish a Safe Word
“You can establish a safe word at any time; however, typically, people establish safe words before they enter into a sexual relationship,” says Stewart. “You can bring it up to them in a casual setting, such as dinner or watching television, and frame it in the context of wanting to try something new.”
For instance, Stewart suggests, you might bring up the idea of blindfolding your partner, then say, “To make sure that we're safe, let's establish a safe word just in case you're feeling uncomfortable, so that I know and we'll stop what we're doing. Does that feel good to you? What word would you like?"
Before throwing yourself into the action, it’s helpful to do a practice round where your goal is to say the safe word whether you actually need to stop or not, says Carey. This way, “the sub has a sense memory of having said the word, so they know they’re able to do it in the midst of play,” she says. “This is important because some people become non-verbal when they’re in sub space, so if the sub realises they can’t verbally safe-word, they need to adjust their system.”
Doing a trial run also lets the dom see whether the sub is able to effectively communicate their boundaries, Carey adds. “If the dom doesn’t trust the sub can safe-word, they can’t trust any of the signals they get.”
In addition to establishing a safe word, it’s helpful to establish what the sub would like to see happen after they use it. Some subs, for example, will appreciate an aftercare routine, says Carey, which could include cuddling, talking about the scene, or having a drink or snack.
Alternatives to Using a Safe Word
There are some instances where safe words won’t be effective, such as when someone is deaf or hard of hearing, when someone is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or when someone is in a mental space where they don’t feel comfortable speaking, Stewart says.
In these cases, you can instead come up with a safety gesture. “Using gestures such as tapping out, a fist, or an open hand can be helpful in conveying the message that you want,” Stewart says.
Another option is for the sub to hold a bell and ring or drop it if they want to stop, Carey says. As with a safe word, the people involved in the scene should establish the gesture in advance.
Whatever the safe word or gesture is, it’s imperative that the sub feels comfortable using it and the dom is open to hearing or seeing it. “If a sub safe-words, the dom absolutely cannot take this as a personal slight and wander away feeling resentful,” says Carey. “It is their responsibility to take care of the sub’s needs in the aftermath of safe-wording.”